I’m not worth it.
I will be the first to admit that I have hardly any confidence in myself. You won’t see me bragging about my looks, my intelligence, or that I should be on The Bachelorette because everyone instantly falls in love with me.
As a sophomore at the University of Idaho, I have younger students following me, looking to me for guidance. I always welcome their questions and try to take away their fears. Yet I find myself wondering, how can I do this when I value myself at next to nothing?
Like many people in the world, I put on a brave face and pretend I love myself more than I actually do. After this many years, I can fake confidence to the point where everyone believes it, except for myself. My mind is always bogged down with questions: Do I believe myself when I look in the mirror, face made up and wearing trendy clothes, that I am beautiful? Do I believe myself when I go to Old Navy and try on that adorable, form fitting dress that shows off my hips, chest, and rear, that I am beautiful? Do I really and truly believe that I am beautiful?
The answer I often find myself slinking back to is, Not really.
I’ve known about this quality – or lack of quality – in myself for many years now, and I haven’t been able to change it. It’s been hiding away in the back of my mind, coming forward at the most inopportune times to remind me of its presence. It’s the little voice telling me to back away, keep my mouth shut, and that I’m not worth it.
For years, my lack of self-confidence has been a debilitating disease that I carry with me every day, covered up and protected from the world, and in return it slowly sucks me down. Hindering me every day, it keeps me from believing the age old phrase, “You can do anything as long as you believe in yourself.”
But lately I’ve been feeling that enough is enough.
Why shouldn’t I see the beauty in myself that my mother and sister and best friend see? Why shouldn’t I tell myself I can change the world? Why shouldn’t I have self-confidence?
Self-confidence isn’t something that can be turned on like a light or suddenly discovered through soul searching and excavation. It isn’t as easy as wishing it to come true. Confidence must be built and gained. Once you’ve tasted the glory that is self-confidence, you can never let it go.
Hold on to it. Keep it safe. Treasure it.
You are worth it. No matter the little voice says.